IBCT & Considerations regarding Muslim Couples Counseling

Muslim Couples Counseling & IBCT

Marriage is a building block for communities, societies and countries. The whole structure of societies is dependent on the relationship of the two spouses. Type of relationship between spouses will affect the growth of their future generations. That is why Islam laid great stress on how to have a good relationship with your spouse and how two solve their issues and problems. Quran have already provided us the goals as to what we should aim for in regards to our relationship with our spouses, Allah says (in Quran 25:74) and those who pray, "Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous." This show that our spouses are supposed to be our coolness of our eyes and it is our job as counselors to guide them to reach this optimum stage.

Integrative Behavioral Couples Therapy (IBCT):

Traditional Behavioral Couples Therapy (TBCT) is the traditional approach to couple’s counseling. It focused more on altering and changing one’s behavior through problem solving and communication in which you ask the couple to agree to work and change their issues.

This idea which seemed effective and beneficial to the therapy had some drawbacks. Studies done on TBCT states “two years later, 25%-33% of couples say they are worse off than when they went to therapy, and after four years over a third are divorced.” (Niolon, 2015) It was then Andrew Christensen and Neil S. Jacobson developed Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy (IBCT). It is new and advance approach towards couple’s counseling. They developed IBCT which merge techniques from behavioral couple’s therapy with new strategies to nurture “acceptance” and “change” in couples. (Grohol, 2011) Some of major the goals of IBCT are to enhance the level of communication which enables them to share their emotions, feelings and thoughts by doing so they can really understand the point of view of their spouses. In many circumstances there are some problems and issues, people can’t change so fixating on them to change often causes rigidness in the relationship which if perused further often causes the relationships to break.

So in those types of situations IBCT suggest it is better for both spouses to accept, understand and respect the limitations and differences of the other spouse.If couple don’t learn to accept and tolerate they will end up in a vicious cycle of mutual blame and resentment. Then they often feel suffocated as there partner is unwilling to change. However learning to accept and tolerate their differences can free them from this mutual trap. (Niolon, 2015) Also spouses should focus more on their good behavior towards their partners and should lower their expectations from their partners i.e. their good behavior should not be conditioned to the good behavior of their spouse. They should love their partner for the sake of Allah it will help them becoming tolerant towards their spouse. In a Hadith it is said “Verily. Allah would say on the Day of Resurrection: Where are those who have mutual love for My Glory's sake? Today I shall shelter them in My shadow when there is no other shadow but the shadow of Mine.”(Sahih Muslim 2566)

There are many issues counselors face and consider while counseling a Muslim couple.

·         Obstacles in Counseling:

1.    Counselors in the Muslim world are usually not well received. It is a common misconception among a huge portion of Muslim population that they have to be mentally disabled or addict to visit a counselor. In many parts of Muslim world people are not well educated and feel ashamed and embarrassed while visiting a counselor. While those who do visit lack confidence and seriousness towards therapeutic process.

2.    Many Muslims especially men feel uncomfortable sharing their emotions, feelings and thoughts with some stranger.

3.    Muslims when in need of counseling often turn to their friends, family members and Islamic scholars.

4.    Muslims are usually shy and don’t feel comfortable discussing delicate matter like sexuality with strangers and tend to keep it to themselves.

5.    Many a times they don’t want to change their own shortcomings and lack the willingness to correct them or follow the process.

·         Disclosure challenges in Counseling:

In the Muslim world there is a serious deficit and shortage of counselors and psychologists. One of the main reasons behind this is that many people don’t feel the need of counselors and psychologists so as a result the children don’t peruse counseling as profession in comparison to other sciences. Muslim couples are not well educated about the benefits of couples counseling and the impact it can have on one’s marriage.

·         Gender barriers during Counseling:

Gender barrier is one of the main problems counselors have to face while counseling a Muslim couple. As Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) mentioned in a hadith Narrated Umar ibn al-Khattab: The Prophet (ﷺ)said, "...Whenever a man is alone with a woman the Devil makes a third..." (Al-Tirmidhi Hadith: 3118) So from this hadith we have realized that a man and women are not allowed to be alone in a room so that is why women if visiting a male counselor have to bring a mehram like brother or father which could also have implications on the efficiency of the process. Also many times Muslim couples feel embarrassed or uncomfortable sharing their personal issues in detail with the member of opposite gender.

·         Some Considerations:

1.    They should be suggestive in their approach and implement their techniques in the form of suggestions.

2.    Along with their cultural, social, familial occupational history, a counselor should also assess the religiosity of the couple and then he should form a process keeping that in mind.

3.    Make the clients active participant in finding answer to their problems that way they will feel responsible and involved in the process and it will be easier for them to follow the process.

4.    Counselors should not judge or take sides of any of the spouse. It will isolate the other spouse and create a major gap in the process.

5.    Counselors should also be care careful to not to offer too much advice that the couple will develop a dependency on the counselor. Counselor’s aim should be to make their clients self-actualized and self-dependent.

6.    Often after a long period of fighting, couples lose their intimacy and love it is counselors job to increase intimacy between the couple.

7.    After assessing their religiosity level, a counselor can suggest the couple prophetic way of solving problems and issues.

8.    It is counselor’s job to make the couple realize that their spouses are not bad in totality but this problem is bad because we might don’t like one habit of our spouse but there are many other things we might love about them.

It was narrated that Abu Hurairah (RA) said: Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ)said, “No believing man should hate a believing woman. If he dislikes one of her characteristics, he may be pleased with another.” (Sahih Muslim, Vol. 4, Hadith No. 3645 (1467))

Conclusion:

Marriage is pillar stone of healthy societies and Islam laid great stress on that and it is discussed in detailed in Quran so we should also try our hardest to make our marriages like that of Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) and shouldn’t be afraid or ashamed to seek counsel as companions of Prophet (ﷺ)use ask Prophet (ﷺ) all the time.

Bibliography

Grohol, J. M. (2011, July 24). World of Psychology. Retrieved December 30, 2015, from PsychCentral: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/07/24/integrative-behavioral-couple-therapy-where-acceptance-is-key/2/

Niolon, R. (2015, April 29). Integrated Behavioral Couples Therapy. Retrieved 12 30, 2015, from PsychPage: http://www.psychpage.com/family/library/ibct.html